jensie (goddessjensie) wrote,

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a tome for you

this is bound to be a long one... as they might be giants would say: hang on hang on hang on tight.

i think my shoulders are sore from carrying the weight of the world. i'm trying to find words to match my feelings: exhausted, tried, lonely, powerless, ashamed, afraid, angry, ignorant, frustrated, hopeless, cynical to mention some of the more negative ones.... but then there's gary-- and that brings up a whole new set: confused, loved, attracted, satisfied, peaceful, scared, lucky.

i have had a small relapse into depression. probably from world events and carly's comment "did you hear the president? oh, i guess i shouldn't talk about it with you." what the hell is that supposed to mean? and then lesson at family home evening using the book of mormon to support the war and labelled as "defense." i feel so out of place and frequently feel like crawling under a desk/table/bed and resigning myself to ignorance and war support.

and i can't even imagine being outside the country at this point... london will be interesting for you, to say the least. if i were you i would tell them i'm canadienne. in fact, i probably will.

i can't imagine the support and how they can call me anti-patriotic? i don't know. i can't talk really to anyone about it -- some spilled out to gary last night. his hands were on my neck and in my hair. i wonder what he really thinks. the other day he told me to be happy and i flat out told him i had a chemical imbalance that prevented me from doing that. who knows if that's even true. but i wanted to him to know i'm not fucking around anymore.

i should talk about ann. i don't know if you remember aaron my friend that would bash bush with me and help me keep my sanity. ann is his beautiful, amazing wife. yesterday we had a conversation about all of this and religion. she's mormon, kindof. she kept saying to me "oh jensie i'm so worried about you. i hope you make it. i didn't make it." we talked about utah-mormonism and it's correlation to brainwashed conservatism. it was amazing. she described my life to me thru her own experiences. trying to reconcile personal beliefs and organized religion. amazingly enough she has found a place that has made her happy. she prays and reads her scriptures but won't go to church. she'll probably do that when they get to chicago (there's going to grad school at northwestern). i told her mormons are way cooler and more diverse outside of utah. in illinois i had my conflicts with my religion. but never because of church or the people in it. now i just end up mad or realizing just how alone i am. NOT how you should feel after CHURCH. my roommate doesn't help when i'm so depressed i can't get out of bed she tells me to pray. i'm tired of feeling guilty about my opinions, my life, my disease.

i read the most amazing book. lying by lauren slater. wow. it has replace the bell jar. i read my life between her lines. i finished and couldn't distinguish between what happened to her and my own life. i wonder if my depression is just a convenient excuse-- or if my pneumonia was a convenient cover up for my emotional/mental breakdown. and the stigma attached.... it's strange to talk about it so openly. i've been diagnosed but always (even as i write this) try to convince myself i'm fine. it must all be in my head.... duh. my parents don't know. but i've definitely been thinking about heading back to therapy or to a doctor. i haven't been the same for over a year now....

boy am i off-task. it feels so good to let it out though. i'm supposed to write my own non-fiction blurred-genres piece for dr. sinor. i'm so excited. i'm thinking about writing about all of this-- war, depression, religion. my own experience with research and medical/political/religion intervention and documentation. it'll be a million pages long. i'm going to do it in journal form and probably include some of my real online entries and letters to you. fun, eh? i think so.

well sweetie... i'm running on empty. this was an extreme vent. and as always thank you for listening. i love you and miss you much. i'll write more about gary at a later date. i hope you don't mind if i put all this in my journal. i think it needs to be there.

love you.
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