jensie (goddessjensie) wrote,

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months later

sorry all. i'm a slacker for sure. a quick update before the days rant:
that boy and i are getting married.
december 19th in the logan temple.
and today's rant stems from the fact that i am tired of being a woman in this situation. i'm tired of having to take responsibility of everything and to make decisions. i'm tired of trying to avoid political situations and keep everyone happy.
i am the bride.
i am the bride and therefore it is my responsibility to pick out
i am the bride and therefore it is my fault if someone isn't happy or has let their feelings get hurt.
i am the bride and therefore it is my duty to make sure that when we finally have sex i do not get pregnant.
i am the bride and therefore it is my job to balance school and planning and when we are married it will be my job to continue to balance school and work and home and husband without letting anything drop.
i am the bride and therefore it is my priority to be beautiful and shiny and virginal for my new husband to pluck me when he wants without thought to my emotions or physical needs.
i am the bride and we are in utah. i must walk the high wire of low-key excitement but not be boisterous about the fact that i have secured my value in life. i must not be giddy around unmarried women-- especially those older than myself-- especially those in the student ward who are starting to feel left behind.
i am the bride and although my husband-to-be and my mother-in-law and probably my own mother swear that these things aren't true-- this is how i feel today. i feel like a commodity. i feel like a vagina (butpleasegoddon'tletmebethe Pregnant Girl in my classes.) today i am scared. scared of the gynecologist. scared of god. scared of the temple. scared of all my responsibilities. scared of my fiance. scared that i'm slipping back to what i used to be. scared that i'm going to screw everything up. scared that tyrell will see this and think it's his fault and then it will be My Job to make sure he doesn't Feel Badly anymore. because that's how it works. i express myself, he feels badly, then it's my job to Fix It. i'm getting defensive and selfish. i'll be over it soon. i just have to stew over what happened on the bus today. i'm tired. i'll write again soon.
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