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2 weeks and counting   
07:34pm 04/12/2003
mood: thankful
i was looking thru my journal today doing some research into my relationship with tyrell to see what exactly i was thinking... i realized my last entry was horribly negative and not encouraging to any of you who are far from me. so, here is my happy, gushy, i am so in love entry.

i am so happy. i haven't been this happy for years. tyrell really completes me. we compliment each other so well and we make a sickening pair. i'm over the stress of wedding planning, now i'm just trying to finish the dang semester. (only a few more papers to go.) i'm so excited to marry him. i'm not too excited about getting married, but marrying him makes all the difference. he's so good to me, i couldn't have picked better.

i'm going thru the temple a week from saturday and i'm really excited. excited that i'm worthy and taking the steps i need to in order to be with tyrell forever. he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. i'm so grateful for him and the changes in my life that he has helped me make. i don't know how i got so lucky.

so, i'm marrying a wonderful, smart, sexy, friendly, hardworking man who will make me the luckiest woman in the world. and two weeks from tomorrow it will be official. i have to go do homework now, but i thought you'd all like to know i am glowing.
months later   
09:31am 17/10/2003
mood: frustrated
sorry all. i'm a slacker for sure. a quick update before the days rant:
that boy and i are getting married.
december 19th in the logan temple.
and today's rant stems from the fact that i am tired of being a woman in this situation. i'm tired of having to take responsibility of everything and to make decisions. i'm tired of trying to avoid political situations and keep everyone happy.
i am the bride.
i am the bride and therefore it is my responsibility to pick out
i am the bride and therefore it is my fault if someone isn't happy or has let their feelings get hurt.
i am the bride and therefore it is my duty to make sure that when we finally have sex i do not get pregnant.
i am the bride and therefore it is my job to balance school and planning and when we are married it will be my job to continue to balance school and work and home and husband without letting anything drop.
i am the bride and therefore it is my priority to be beautiful and shiny and virginal for my new husband to pluck me when he wants without thought to my emotions or physical needs.
i am the bride and we are in utah. i must walk the high wire of low-key excitement but not be boisterous about the fact that i have secured my value in life. i must not be giddy around unmarried women-- especially those older than myself-- especially those in the student ward who are starting to feel left behind.
i am the bride and although my husband-to-be and my mother-in-law and probably my own mother swear that these things aren't true-- this is how i feel today. i feel like a commodity. i feel like a vagina (butpleasegoddon'tletmebethe Pregnant Girl in my classes.) today i am scared. scared of the gynecologist. scared of god. scared of the temple. scared of all my responsibilities. scared of my fiance. scared that i'm slipping back to what i used to be. scared that i'm going to screw everything up. scared that tyrell will see this and think it's his fault and then it will be My Job to make sure he doesn't Feel Badly anymore. because that's how it works. i express myself, he feels badly, then it's my job to Fix It. i'm getting defensive and selfish. i'll be over it soon. i just have to stew over what happened on the bus today. i'm tired. i'll write again soon.
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a new haiku   
12:30am 12/07/2003
  any friday night
bleach blond, breasts, faux self-esteem
we are only cunts.
what if god shuffled by?   
11:54pm 10/07/2003
mood: pensive
hmm, where to begin. i feel so completely weird at this moment. this one, like this period. . . . boy and i had a conversation monumental proportion this evening-- we are so much alike it is so so so so scary. scary because we think the same way, have the same doubts and the same questions. he's so smart and beautiful and i don't want to be in love with him-- but i am. i'm terrified of losing but i'm jumping feet first. i don't want to be immature or irrational. i want to be in control of everything-- including my emotions and that feeling i get when he holds me in his arms. i hate that every day is filled with thoughts of him and little else but when i will see him next. or dirty thoughts about what i will do to him when he finds me again. and how is this different than kevin? please not another kevin, please. i don't want to become that cliche that i hate hate hate. but all i want is to be with him. i want his hands on my body and my hands in his hair. i want to him to be happy and to quit worrying so much about everything-- including me.
the very worst part of you is me   
02:17am 08/07/2003
mood: horny
let one guy touch your boobs and the next thing you know he's telling you that he loves you. oops. double oops. i mean, i like the kid, i really do. but we're barely a month into this thing. we can't go spouting the l-o-v-e word. the next thing you know he'll want me to get a dress and meet him at the temple. nuh-uh. maybe someday. MAYBE. keyword. MAYBE and SOMEDAY are the key words. someone tell me what to do. he said love you baby and i said thanks. i guess i could've said it back, but i don't want to and i'm not ready yet. so, to avoid blowing smoke up his ass-- i said thanks. yikes. i'm so tired and finally recovering from last week with the families (his and mine). not to mention the twitterpation. i was about to kill myself. i think i'm over it now. almost. i think i'm going to bed. hopefully i can sleep and not replay the whole horrid moment over and over.
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i found my labido   
07:10am 28/06/2003
mood: anxious
it must have been in boise.
things are going really well considering i came to work at 5 this morning and i haven't been able to sleep what feels like for days. i miss beth. a lot. i think i'm hungry. the boy and i are headed up the wight family reunion today. yikes.
     Read 1 - Post
i like you just the way you are   
12:54am 26/06/2003
mood: happy
it's later.
i invested.
i'm so scared.

he's so great, but i still don't know.
carly and i had a therapy session today. it really helped, actually. to sit and process why i'm having trouble accepting tyrell's affection. really great. tonight was better. i wanted to be with him and didn't mind the touching like i have before. he kissed me.

i can still smell him on me... i'm so scared.

i should go to bed now. i just wanted to give a little update. i'm happy. i really am. i told him everything and he said that he likes me just the way i am. he likes me because i'm real. i like him because he likes me even though i'm out of control, emotional, and a feminist. i like him despite the fact that he doesn't know what he's going to do with his life. i like him because he's honest and one-of-a-kind. he's not a cookie cutter utah boy. he has independent thought and isn't afraid of what i'll think. he wants to be a rock star, and it's actually really endearing.

and even though i have no NO labido, tonight i wanted to kiss him. so i did.

but i'm so scared.
am i part of the cure or am i part of the disease?   
12:24pm 12/06/2003
mood: confused
i guess this will be a long one, considering i haven't written for at least a month. i guess i just don't have much to say anymore. everything is the same-- my life is stagnant. ew, that word has great connotations-- think stagnant water. with things growing on it, and lot of bugs. that's my life. moldy. i didn't go to illinois. i'm planning on being there in the fall. i just couldn't get away from work, again. i went home for almost a week to see jeri and andrew and to be at elsie's baby shower. stupid baby.

now i'm back in logan taking some classes at working at convergys.
things with gary are the same.
things with ryan are officially weird.
things with beth are great because she's finally back in the us so i can call her whenever i want.
things with school are irritating because i just want to graduate and get the hell out of here, but i can't.
things with convergys are okay, i hate it, but i just got sundays off and will start to get pto at the end of july. just in time to go up to boise for the baby.

so, i guess i had a pseudo-date last night. i'm still trying to figure out if i like this boy or not. we watched pootie tang and washed my car. not in that order. he works and plays in a band. he still lives at home. he put his arm around me last night and i think he wanted to kiss me. mmmmm, no thanks. i don't think i'm ready to invest in that relationship yet. maybe later.

i guess things aren't really the same with gary. we still talk and sometimes hang out, but there isn't any physical contact, even when he tries. i'm just not into that at all. he's taken to calling me sweetheart though. jeez.

spencer moved to cali and is trying to get me to come out there, too. don't i fucking wish? all i want in life is to move somewhere else. he says i should just transfer. again? no fucking way. i have 3 more semesters here and then i'm finished. i'm not starting over again. maybe i could move down for the summer next year. though, i promised my brother ryan that next summer we could live in england. wouldn't that be so rad? me, beth, my brother, whoever else wants to come. it would be insane. i think he has to go to summer school. too bad. wait, i was talking about spence. i miss him, i think. i keep thinking maybe there's something else to him, sometimes i can't put up with the show. i really like him, and it's nice to have him around because he at least sort of understands where i'm coming from. and is right on politically. that's become really important all of the sudden. i'm so far
<------------------------------------ i just don't fit well anywhere. i just don't fit. at least beth is here.

we can talk at length about our anxiety over bush being re-elected. what do i do to stop this insane swing to the right? i can't take it anymore! i must move to canada or something so i can forget about the insane, irreparable damage he's doing to the country. no wonder i have to take sleeping pills.

i'm going to go home now. i need a nap before i go to work for the man.
inkblot results   
03:30pm 13/05/2003
mood: sore
Jensie, your unconscious mind is driven most by Love

Everyone has a desire to love. But your desire is rooted very deeply in your unconscious and affects many of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.

You have an energy about you that inspires people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. In this way, you and your drive for loving relationships start a chain reaction of positive experiences.

The reason you are driven by love, may be because your unconscious is trying to avoid the opposite of love — hate. You, more than others, may be afraid of experiencing severe discord with others. That may, in turn, heavily influence your choices about relationships and the way you communicate your ideas, wants, and desires to others.

With such a strong orientation towards loving others, your relationships hold a very special place in your life. Your capacity to love may be greater than those around you, and therefore you may have more to give in relationships than your romantic partner does. Remember that this is a gift you have and one most others don't possess.
counting crows and shots   
01:19am 09/05/2003
mood: sick
21 years, 1 month, and 6 days.
aaron and ann's 2 year anniversary.
3 shots of peppermint schnapps.
i was a little tipsy, no worries.
great party.
gave james my number.
i hope he calls.
in honor of finals week   
11:20am 25/04/2003
mood: dead
i have completed most of my papers. i have 2 tests and a paper remaining. in honor of finals week, a haiku i wrote at about 3am in honor of my non fict piece and sylvia plath:

50 sleeping pills
and one bottle of red wine
i'll ask her myself
as long as you're alive, here i am. i promise i will take you there.   
12:30am 23/04/2003
mood: irritated
it's bullshit really.

i'm so exhausted, but i'm awake because i'm on some sort of herbal supplement called PEP. anyway, it's working because i'm still awake. i haven't had a good nights sleep for a long, long time.

so much to do, so little time.

most importantly, so little motivation.

i got a card and an email from beth today. i miss her so much. i can't believe i'm still surviving without her. sometimes i don't think i can do one more day.

gary said "we should talk." we have yet to talk.

carly is making me crazy again. i need to move the fuck away.

i need to get the fuck out of utah. i'm extremely depressed and anxious-- again. about what, i don't know. but i've been giving medication quite a bit of thought. celia says it made a world of difference for her. hmmm. kev too. (who, by the way, i talked to the other day. he told me he loved me. i can't wait to see him when i go out there.)

i miss francom, too. he leaves cute vm all of the sudden? and pep talks? i'm so confused.

i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate boys.
i do it all the time yah yah   
12:33am 14/04/2003
mood: anxious
fight with gary
talked to kev
going to illinois not london
going home this weekend
hate church
hate school
hate work
hate war
decided to start using fuck again, what a great word.
so fuck it.
happy birthday to me   
12:09am 02/04/2003
mood: I'M 21!
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday dear me
happy birthday to me.

something seems a little off this year.
probably because in the shower this morning i remembered that last year on my birthday beth and i went out to dinner at the pizza house. we had garlic cheese bread, grilled chicken salads, and lot of cherry pepsi. i'm remembering elton john and styx and dave on the jukebox... but that may be a conglomeration of pizza house nights. god i miss her so much, i cried in the shower so that when i got out no one would notice. that is one of my happiest birthday memories ever.

birthdays get so unfun. i just opened my only present.

i guess i just feel like someone should be jumping for joy that i was brought into the world. i'm not.

but, francom called to say happy birthday, both grandmas and grandpas gave me cards and money, gary has been sweet, carly bought me a cake, zak called to say happy birthday, so did spence, and phil just imed me. beth sent an email and hopefully, cross my fingers, will call tomorrow. so, even though i'm not feeling quite so festive, it's really nice to know people are thinking about me. i mean, they're crawling out of the woodwork.

uh oh, i need to get going. i'm getting drowsy and i still have some reading to do for class tomorrow. because although i declare my birthday a national holiday... i'm still going to class.
you're my baby, you're just another girl   
11:24pm 23/03/2003
mood: confused
uhm, where to start.
nowhere really.
still confused about where i stand on just about everything except thin mint girl scout cookies. mmmmm.
for example, gary and i still have not talked. well, had "the talk" even though we were inseperable yesterday. still no talk, but a sublime voicemail while i was at work:

"hey jensie, gary calling you. i just wanted to apologize tell ya i was sorry if you thought that i was angry with ya. i wasn't necessarily angry, just a little irritated. uhm, but i'm sorry if it made you feel bad or whatever. again i apologize, i know i'm a jerk sometimes. give me a call when you get off work. thanks jensie, buh bye."

hm. he tickled my back in sacrament meeting for 20 mins. and then put his arm around me. i should just wear a perma-confused sign. it's good though, it distracts me from all the other psychotic things i tend to think about.


and frequently beth, who, by the way, is in ireland as we speak with jo. have i mentioned lately that I HATE MY LIFE? yup. thought so. well i'm going to bed. i'm pooped.
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today i weep for my country   
10:26am 21/03/2003
mood: relieved
first things first, check out this speech given by senator byrd on the senate floor this week:


simply amazing. i could've cried. after reading it, i felt a lot better about where i stand in relation to this war. plus mom told me yesterday she's not letting me go to london with "this war on." dammit. i think she's serious, and not only that, probably right. i may have to take a raincheck. next summer after beth graduates we could go to europe together and bum around for a month or two. i guess i just have to see.

i feel like i have a lot to explain about everything-- mostly gary. in all seriousness i have no idea. he came over tuesday night and we made gyoza for dinner. he keeps telling me we need to have a talk.... but it didn't happen tuesday night. something else, well i don't really know, i just can't tell anymore. he was acting kindof strange, and as previously mentioned he couldn't keep his hands out of my hair. which is kindof weird, but it was a different kind of touching than he's usually into. here's the problem: what is the talk about? after break i was all set to confess that i like him more than a friend and we need to decide if we're going to be friends or more-than-friends for my own sanity. since that time, however, i have been constantly debating if i even want a boyfriend or not. i mean, yes, sometimes, but then there's a couple of things that keep coming to mind. what about all those hotties at work? most specifically josh? (WAIT, how could i date a boy named josh? that's my brother-in-law's name!) and, gary is older and probably looking to get married... eventually. he's not a wife-hunter or anything, but he's 23, which in mormon standard time means he needs to get a move on. and we all know how i feel about THAT. i mean, i don't think i would marry him. i would just keep him from finding her. ha ha ha. this is what happens when you're raised LDS. you're mental. this is way too much about gary, but this is really what i've been thinking about. i don't know if things can just stay the way they are because i'm not being truthful with myself: i really do get jealous. not always, but sometimes. and i am in denial about that. i guess i'm just really confused about him and what he wants from me. he's been apologizing a lot lately... immediately after he gets a dirty look from me. he calls to say hi, he hugs me, holds me so tight. i don't know what to do. run away!

anyway, marshal and i and whoever else are probably going to the pike party tonight. my first frat party since i left knox. i'm kindof excited, i really want to go dance and have a good time. carly's sisters are in town and they're all going to stay in slc tonight. i could have a helluva time... probably will.

i'm kindof worried about spencer. i haven't really talked to him for a while and i don't know what's going on. i hope he's okay. i really do like that dumb kid, and i wish i could spend some time with him. i'm working on getting home sometime this month, hopefully before he leaves for cali.

i just took a brit lit test. i rule.

i need a nap.
a tome for you   
11:46pm 19/03/2003
mood: exhausted
this is bound to be a long one... as they might be giants would say: hang on hang on hang on tight.

i think my shoulders are sore from carrying the weight of the world. i'm trying to find words to match my feelings: exhausted, tried, lonely, powerless, ashamed, afraid, angry, ignorant, frustrated, hopeless, cynical to mention some of the more negative ones.... but then there's gary-- and that brings up a whole new set: confused, loved, attracted, satisfied, peaceful, scared, lucky.

i have had a small relapse into depression. probably from world events and carly's comment "did you hear the president? oh, i guess i shouldn't talk about it with you." what the hell is that supposed to mean? and then lesson at family home evening using the book of mormon to support the war and labelled as "defense." i feel so out of place and frequently feel like crawling under a desk/table/bed and resigning myself to ignorance and war support.

and i can't even imagine being outside the country at this point... london will be interesting for you, to say the least. if i were you i would tell them i'm canadienne. in fact, i probably will.

i can't imagine the support and how they can call me anti-patriotic? i don't know. i can't talk really to anyone about it -- some spilled out to gary last night. his hands were on my neck and in my hair. i wonder what he really thinks. the other day he told me to be happy and i flat out told him i had a chemical imbalance that prevented me from doing that. who knows if that's even true. but i wanted to him to know i'm not fucking around anymore.

i should talk about ann. i don't know if you remember aaron my friend that would bash bush with me and help me keep my sanity. ann is his beautiful, amazing wife. yesterday we had a conversation about all of this and religion. she's mormon, kindof. she kept saying to me "oh jensie i'm so worried about you. i hope you make it. i didn't make it." we talked about utah-mormonism and it's correlation to brainwashed conservatism. it was amazing. she described my life to me thru her own experiences. trying to reconcile personal beliefs and organized religion. amazingly enough she has found a place that has made her happy. she prays and reads her scriptures but won't go to church. she'll probably do that when they get to chicago (there's going to grad school at northwestern). i told her mormons are way cooler and more diverse outside of utah. in illinois i had my conflicts with my religion. but never because of church or the people in it. now i just end up mad or realizing just how alone i am. NOT how you should feel after CHURCH. my roommate doesn't help when i'm so depressed i can't get out of bed she tells me to pray. i'm tired of feeling guilty about my opinions, my life, my disease.

i read the most amazing book. lying by lauren slater. wow. it has replace the bell jar. i read my life between her lines. i finished and couldn't distinguish between what happened to her and my own life. i wonder if my depression is just a convenient excuse-- or if my pneumonia was a convenient cover up for my emotional/mental breakdown. and the stigma attached.... it's strange to talk about it so openly. i've been diagnosed but always (even as i write this) try to convince myself i'm fine. it must all be in my head.... duh. my parents don't know. but i've definitely been thinking about heading back to therapy or to a doctor. i haven't been the same for over a year now....

boy am i off-task. it feels so good to let it out though. i'm supposed to write my own non-fiction blurred-genres piece for dr. sinor. i'm so excited. i'm thinking about writing about all of this-- war, depression, religion. my own experience with research and medical/political/religion intervention and documentation. it'll be a million pages long. i'm going to do it in journal form and probably include some of my real online entries and letters to you. fun, eh? i think so.

well sweetie... i'm running on empty. this was an extreme vent. and as always thank you for listening. i love you and miss you much. i'll write more about gary at a later date. i hope you don't mind if i put all this in my journal. i think it needs to be there.

love you.
so long, astoria   
08:36pm 14/03/2003
mood: depressed
i miss illinois so much.

all i can do is sit here an cry.

it's friday night and i have literally NO friends.

am i not fun?

apparently not.

something is wrong here.

it's true, sometimes i like to be alone.

a lot of time i like to be alone.

now is not one of those times.

the more time i have alone the more time i have to sit and think about all the things that are wrong-- not just in my life, but in the world in general.

someone as cool and fun and smart and cute as me should not be sitting in her apartment alone unless she wants to. i've been here every night this week all alone. just gives me time to contemplate suicide and start to believe that sylvia plath and virginia woolf had the right idea about everything.

how did i end up so lonely?

i hate utah. i hate my job. i hate gary.

i miss beth. and my mom. and a goddamn social life. and coming home from disgusting frat parties in the middle of the morning when the dew on the grass makes my feet cold and slip around in my flip flops. and i know i complained when i was there: all we ever do is get to parties. you guys get drunk, i get bored. i wish i could even have that. it sure beats sitting at my computer listening to the atari*s, crying, hoping my roommate doesn't come home to find me in this pathetic state.

i CANNOT go back to hastings and rent more videos to watch alone on my couch eating ice cream with magic shell on top. i guess i'll do some homework. "how pathetic can you get jensie?" gee i don't know. what i do know is that i want to scream


at the top of my lungs. loud enough for gary to hear and realize that he's wasting his time trying to get me to change into something acceptable.




it's just a word.

it happens to be a very nice word.

ps, i think i'm coming down with epilepsy. i've been reading a book called lying by lauren slater. so today i was on break watching that godawful show the o'reilly factor and i seriously considered staging a protest seizure in the hallway. i also spoke with a boy at work today who has been called up. i still can't get my head around it. why does it seem like i'm the only one who's even trying? the should send me to baghdad. front line.

pps, during our team meeting at work tonight we watched some of rory's wedding videos that he makes. i literally wanted to vomit. what is wrong with me?


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the hero dies in this one   
10:48pm 12/03/2003
mood: lonely
as i leave here today
apartment 108
i'll always keep you in my heart.
anderson is cold tonight
the leaves are scattered on the ground
i miss the seasons and the comfort of your smile.

sometimes this all feels like a dream
i'm waiting for someone just to wake me up from this life
as i look out at these fairgrounds
i remember how our family split apart

i don't think i ever told you
but i know you always did your best
and the hard times, they only made us stronger.

as i sit here all alone
i wonder how i'm supposed to carry on
when you're gone...

i'll never be the same without you
i love you more than you will ever know.
so maybe now you'll finally know
sometimes we're helpless and alone
but you can't let it keep you weighted down.
you must go on.

do you ever feel like crying?
do you ever feel like giving up?
i raise my hands up towards the sky
i say this prayer for you tonight
because nothing is impossible.

~the atari*s from their new cd so long, astoria~

i don't know really, if it's because all along i've associated the atari*s with strong emotions, but their new cd (the first after being signed to columbia and therefore quite processed and not nearly as raw as previous albums) invades my chest and squeezes my heart like a hug that's on the verge of too hard. i love it, but it's almost painful to listen to. humph.

(don't worry beth, i wrote this to you before i put it here. it really is to you.)

i'm lonely.
i'm going to bed.

i'm listening to it now and trying so hard not to turn it off and throw it against the wall. why? it hurts so much just to hear kris' voice and his lyrics. which, i know, is quite ridiculous considering the atari*s aren't really THAT great of a band, i don't know why i connect with them as much as i do. (i've written off the kev excuse. i talked to him today. he just annoys me now.) i've never had this kind of trauma listening to music before. i've never felt like this about it-- so bizarre. i think i have to turn it off. i wonder if i'll go to the concert next month and just cry thru the set like i do thru the cd. i am such a freak.
words from the one-dimpled wonder   
10:28am 05/03/2003
mood: menstrual
it's been awhile, and this is gonna be a long one, i'm sure.

things have been kinda crazy since i last updated. i was ignoring gary, he didn't notice until kelsey pointed it out to him. he called friday night while he was driving home to apologize. and he did. he went home for his nephew's blessing. i was over at audri's hanging out with marshal, brian, celia, and audri. it was pretty fun and out of control. jonathon showed up too. but the boys finally left and we got to have a little girl talk until about 3am. it was really nice to talk to some fairly normal, intelligent, somewhat liberal individuals for a change. too bad i went back to my house to the freshman invasion. was i ever that giddy? i don't remember. but probably.

saturday morning (after 4.5 hours of sleep) janna and i loaded up the trips and hit the road for boise. it wasn't too bad. i drove the first shift and the kids were really good. we got to boise in about 5 hours. and janna and i had a chance to catch up between handing out juice boxes and picking up dropped toys. we got to my house and the kids went berserk. which is the normal reaction for my house. that's what happens to my brother-in-law too. elyse and josh did come over and play with the kids for awhile. it was a madhouse. and i was SO tired. dad made crepes and we had strawberries and real whipped cream for them. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM. it REALLY REALLY doesn't get ANY better than THAT. mmmmm some more. but everyone was pooped so at 9ish everyone was headed to bed and i was headed out the door with spencer. we went to 8 mile. i really liked it. of course, i have a huge crush on eminem, so it's understandable. mmmmm. and it was a really well-made film. i was impressed. spence was good too. i'm not sure what's going on there... i just can't tell how i feel about ANYTHING these days. it's maddening. i mean, i think i could like him, but it's too soon after the carly thing and i almost feel like he has to have someone all the time. definitely not the role for me.

church was at 8am on sunday. goo. no one should have to be up that early on sunday. but it was fun. i really really love the home ward. it's like one big family, they're always so excited to see me and ask about things. there were a lot of them at the baptism, too, which was really awesome. i took a nap sunday afternoon thru harry potter and then kids running around slamming doors and screaming bloody murder. did i mention i was tired? the baptism was so neat. josh and eric both got dunked and the primary room was stuffed full of people. my fam and mike and sharon with janna and the kids took care of our fam, but our ward was there, some couples from elyse and josh's ward, and some folks from eric's ward/school/wrestling team made a huge mass of people. josh and eric's family were there too-- their younger bro, mom, and dad with girlfriend and i think some of their aunts. it was really cool. a lot of missionaries too. cade gave a talk and i was absolutely blown away. he bore his testimony in sacrament meeting and then the talk -- i couldn't believe this was the same punk kid that tortured kara for years. it's so neat to see what the prophet has been talking about with the youth. i know i'm still in that category ("youth") but i'm just not like THAT. he sounded like an elder's quorum pres or something. he challenged josh to take elyse to the temple in a year and eric to go on a mission when he turns 19 (about a year). wow. so i cried. elyse and camille sang ryan's arrangement of "bring the world his truth" and kara was the chorister. dad baptized josh and mom and i cried. it was so unbelieveable. the bishop and stake pres were there and the bishop had some really cool things to say. i think elyse and josh will both be a lot happier now. i haven't seen them that happy for a long time. elyse is starting to show and things should be falling into place for them a little bit better now. i've been looking at maternity clothes for elsie. i know the kid will have plenty to wear. i just wish they wouldn't sell out to the pink and blue. i will refuse. but, it's their kid and they aren't psycho about socially constructed gender roles like i am. they're probably better off that way, anyway. janna and i left boise at 8pm hoping the kids would sleep the whole way back. yah, like we could be so lucky.

monday i skipped class and goofed around all day. fhe was going to the choir concert. it was really nice to be back in fhe, i missed my family. the concert was okay, i remembered why i never went to them, though. gary pissed me off.

tuesday i skipped class and goofed around all day. i went to the grocery store and to work. i like work so much better when i only have to be there for 4 hours and can be home at 8. carn and i went to borders to "study"-- yah right. gary came over and i'm not mad anymore. we're back to normal. if there is such a thing for us.

now i'm at school. i went to class and i have a test next hour. did i study? not really, no. i could just skip it because she only counts 3 of the 4 tests, but i think i'll go bs it anyway. i'll probably get a B. i don't have to work tonight, but i really do need to get some homework done. i'm making steak and mushrooms for dinner. just for fun. gary invited himself, go figure.

i miss beth. she's supposed to call this week. fingers crossed....